BLOG POST #2
Uriane Robinson
Professor Bolaski, Amy
English 100
2013 September 11
On the 26th of August 2013, Peter Gray a Professor of Psychology, identifies and presents
numerous feasible aspects relating to the relationship between children, schools, and the “ basic blue-
print” of the “top- down, teach- and- test method” in his article “School Is A Prison.” In this article he
acknowledges the appeal of logical and extensive research that shows the readers that school is seen
as a chore. The concept of need to and not of want to; the burned out notion. Gray indicated, as many
can also attest to, that schools create this unpleasantness that doesn’t make the learning process any
easier. Being able to apply self-motivation, and seek everyday questions will help them to become
portrayed as independent. “Acquiring personal responsibility and the capacity for self-control, that is
able to serve them well in all aspects of their lives.”
3 comments:
Hi Uri,
Where was this article posted originally?
Ms. Shannon, this was posted on the site( Salon.com)
Uri,
You write, "On the 26th of August 2013, Peter Gray a Professor of Psychology, identifies and presents
numerous feasible aspects . . ." You're correct to write in present tense, but when you use a date in the past, present tense doesn't work. Try something like, "Peter Gray published his article, "School is a Prison" on August 26th, 2013. In it, he identifies and presents . . ."
Doesn't need to be capitalized: " a Professor of Psychology" (only if it's a title in front of a name)
Wording here is awkward and a bit vague: "numerous feasible aspects" doesn't actually clarify anything. The idea is there, but the sentence needs tweaking. Aspects of what? This is the case in a few spots - we want to make things tighter, more concise. For example, very wordy here: "In this article he acknowledges the appeal of logical and extensive research that shows the readers that school is seen as a chore."
You can avoid the "in the article" phrasing throughout. Try, "Gray acknowledges the appeal of logical and extensive research that establishes the perception 'school equals chore.'" (Just an example)
"The concept of need to and not of want to; the burned out notion." Fragment - this doesn't yet make sense.
Make sure you stay in present tense "Gray indicates", not "indicated". Otherwise, this sentence is nicely put together.
***Thus far you don't have a developed thesis. The second sentence is approaching one, but you've listed only one strategy ("research"). As you revise, you'll want to add several more strategies. I'll comment further on the paper, of course.
(Avoid ending paragraphs with quotes. :)
I can tell you've got an understanding of how the rhetorical process works - this just needs development and refinement.
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