Blog Post #3
This is so far what I have for my Introductory paragraph, please let me know if I make sense of what I write. Thank You!
Through generation and generation it is seen how technology has grown enormously in the ability to do human like activities. Jacqueline Leo, author of the Internet Newspaper, Huffington Post Tech describes in the article called, "How America is Dumbing Down the Next Generation" how the use of technology is advancing, and the basic human skills that were used yesterday(that of parallel parking a car) are not being used today. Because America's "technology" is growing intellectually and the American children are getting mindless, due to the fact that the country as a whole is beginning to feel as if they are behind with the other nations technology, she conveys her message through the use of sarcasm, diction, allusion, and rhetorical question. :)
3 comments:
It very good, straight to the point, but I would make a little bit of a smoother transition from technology advancement to parallel parking and how and why one adversely affects the other.
I think this is a great thesis statement... very effective. Like Rob said, it's to the point and clear. Maybe you can include a few more examples (quick ones) of how technology has advanced, like I think she mentions a talking dish washer, iphone apps, and the parallel parking car like you had said already :)
Jessica,
You'll want to avoid passive phrasing like " it is seen how" (this begs the question "who's seen it"?) and convert to active voice: "we see how". I think you could use something more precise for "human like". No capitalization of internet or newspaper. Just Huff Post, no "Tech". "that of" should be "like". In terms of verb choice, do you see this as a descriptive/informative article? If so, "describes" works. If the author takes a stance, "describes" isn't your best choice. "due to the fact" can ALWAYS be "because" or "since" -- cut wordiness. In the second sentence, the relationship between its two parts doesn't quite work. You're essentially saying she wrote the article BECAUSE the country feels it's falling behind, but I'm not sure this cause-and-effect relationship is what you're looking for.
On the whole, the thesis is coming along nicely. Most of these are small changes that will make it very clear and more effective.
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