Blog Post #3
Ian Hadder
Amy Bolaski
English 100
October 10, 2013
2. I picked this
review because I am the target demographic and a potential consumer of their
product. The review is on the 2014 version (released September 2013) of the
Arbor Draft, a serious park board for snowboarders who want an edge on riding
hard and being successful in the park. I am in the market currently for a new
board and especially after the techie video review given and the spread sheet
of stats on the board I may just be sold.
3. The frigid cold
air, the freshly groomed corduroy lines of snow in front of you, the ground
glistens as if it was the hazy outlines of a dream. Everything is quiet, the
familiar sound of you snapping your bindings closed as you look down your line
that you scoped out on the lift ride up. Your about to drop in and tune out. To some, these words resonate profoundly, especially to fellow park
riders. If you are one who lives for the rush of stomping
that new trick you have been working on, adding one more rotation on your
biggest spin, or sending that 60 ft jump that you wake up at night in cold sweats thinking about then know how important every detail is when pushing your limits
to the edge. The pinnacle of park snowboard technology has improved, it is now
knows as the 2014 Arbor Draft.
3 comments:
Hi Ian, I love the imagery you give in your intrp of your critical review. I really felt as though I was experienciung it right along with you.
Your descriptive diction was so passionate and sincere. I was sitting here reading the review and feeling snow all around me. Your imagery is very distinct. Good stuff.
Hi Ian,
When I click your link, I don't see a review, just a pic of some skateboards. I cut and pasted the link as well and still don't come to a review. Is it just a video review, or is there a written one, as well?
While your intro contains a number of comma splices and other minor errors in the first few sentences, the imagery is quite good.
You write, "If you are one who lives for the rush of stomping that new trick you have been working on, adding one more rotation on your biggest spin, or sending that 60 ft jump that you wake up at night in cold sweats thinking about then know how important every detail is when pushing your limits to the edge." A few minor changes will help improve this. One, "if you are one" sounds awkward. Simplify: "If you live for the rush. . . " Put a comma after "about" and a "you" after "then". The sentence is quite long, so you want to ensure it's smooth and error free so readers can digest all of it at once. Work on errors in the last sentence, and you'll have strong introduction. I know nothing about snowboards, so I'll be glad to learn something new. :)
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